Being a Control Freak

When I look back at things, I’ve always had this sense of craving for wanting “THINGS TO GO MY WAY”

It’s always been my way or no way.

I lack the sense of spontaneity in life. I don’t really think it’s a bad thing, but it stops me from challenging myself, testing my limits and things as such. As these things are the key to improving your skills in any field. I don’t trust others in completing tasks and I gain a sense of calmness when I’m in charge. And I’m really looking forward to breaking these habits this year.

So the First Step is Acknowledging that you have a Problem

It’s pretty clear here as I am already writing this down with a literal pen and paper even before typing it.

But on the other hand writing helps me clear my mind, my mind is a discount sale of old unprocessed thoughts. I don’t know i might be a deeply troubled human being in my core

Besides that, writing is also good for your mental health so….

But back to the point. Now that we have acknowledged the problem let’s get into the solution. And the next step would be,

Facing the Reality

No matter how I plan and how much I plan, the weirdest things happen to me all the time. The reality is, life is supposed to be spontaneous and we as humans are supposed to face it as it comes to us. And nowadays social media being the most uncertain thing to ever exist, If I wanna be doing this, do what I’m doing I must be spontaneous.

So The next step would be,

Actually Doing the Things

Do the things that you have been planning for ages, that you never get to actually doing.

This is my biggest issue. To give you an example, I’m typing this out after 3 months and 5 days after I recorded this on my phone and wrote in my journal. To give you another example, which is the actual one I used when recording this, I have this canvas that I wanted to paint in for the longest time; But I never get to it because I don’t wanna “WASTE IT”. Because I don’t think I’m good enough yet.

Guess what, I’ll never be good enough for myself. My standards for myself have been raising constantly. When I look back on the same day, exactly a year ago, there is definitely so much improvement in my paintings. But it’s still not enough for me.

In a way it is a good thing being a difficult person to please or a critic trying to help you improve. But it’s also bad, as it stops me from trying new things, failing and learning.

I guess the take away for my rant is that,

ITS OK TO FAIL

“It’s ok to fail”, like a million other people have already told you. What’s wrong with failing anyway? That’s how you learn things.

It’s not like I haven’t failed after years of planning. Here I am with my Engineering degree and no clue what I want to do with my life.

I think that’s being spontaneous and I should do more of it.